I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
