Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
