sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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