he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
