If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just found a bag of teeth...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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