my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
