someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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