Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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