oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
