I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
