I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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