dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
