So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
