i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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