i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
