You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
