Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
