Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
