piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
