omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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