i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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