I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
