I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
