Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
