I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
