I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
