well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
