I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
