True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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