Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
