My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
