last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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