When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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