Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
