so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
