U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
