I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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