my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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