I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
