my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
