just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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