I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
