mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
