I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I would fuck him just for his dog
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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