P.S. I can't hear my feet
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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