Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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