just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
