You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
