Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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