okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
