her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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