somebody snuck up and got me drunk
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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