I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
