There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
