i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
