11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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