I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
